I like to keep a lot of things to myself. I value my privacy. If you need to know something about me, you will know. If you don’t, you won’t. And that goes for friends, colleagues, and especially my parents. Parents have a right not know things; it comes as a form of mutual respect. They don’t need to know when you skip class. They don’t need to know your partying habits. They don’t know to know who you have sex with. Somethings are between you, God, and the gynecologist.
But that is easier said than done, especially when it comes to my mother. She is very invasive, and that made me into a good liar. I have a mother who has difficulty balancing my autonomy as adult and her role as my parent. Growing up, this type of parenting relationship instilled a lot anxiety in me and when I came to her about trips or events with friends, her response was always predictable and made very clear. She didn’t like it. “I’ont like that,” would always precede an enviable “hmph,” followed by an “okay, fine.” “Okay, fine” and “Sure, you can go” are two difference answers from two different outlooks. That hesitance really stuck with me and it affects how and in what manner I come to my mother with problems or ideas.
I went to seminar about home ownership this past week. I am nearing 25 and I’ve been preparing to buy a home for quite some time. I don’t feel complacent living with mother, but I do feel the urge to branch out and take that step out on my own again. During my college years I had my freedom and responsibility. I could balance those two things easily. But once I graduated I faced a choice: to stay in New York, move in with friends and find a job yesterday or to take some time, travel and move back home on my own terms. I did the latter, and I don’t regret that decision. I was welcomed in a brand new home that my mother worked tirelessly to purchase. I could decompress from the stress that came from my last relationship, build up my health, and exhale for the first time in six months. I would travel to Japan and embark on a journey that tested my self-reliance and strengthened my sense of self. But I came home with the intention of following a plan: rest, find a good job, save up enough money for a down-payment on a home, buy a home. I’m on step three.
At any time I could have moved out into an apartment. Believe me: I wanted to. I wanted to several times. But rent is a societal scam and I like saving my money. I am excited by the prospect of moving out and living on my own. And through the future remains uncertain so that whether or not I’ll be at my current job in a year, or if I’ll still be in a relationship, this desire for homeownership is steadfast and clear. I imagine the next stages and phases of my life and it is fulfilling. So I bring this up to my mother, and it goes as expected: negatively. The conversation was geared in a way in which my responses would appear to be wrong and unwanted, and it may be because I didn’t ask her first. I believe that she takes offense when I do things concerning my life’s direction on my own, or with friends, without consulting her first. She may even find it a bit disrespectful. How do I deal with that?
I want to have on hand knowledge so that I can hold a proper conversation. I went to this seminar to be more comfortable and confident and talk to my mother about my future and in buying a home. I wanted her to be proud of me and, now, I feel like bring up moving out will cause an argument. My leaving the nest is inevitable. I gave myself a time frame and I want to stick to it. I gave myself two-to-three years, and now that time has come. Maybe that’s what strike up her fear and hesitation within my mother. The vast majority of my close friends have all moved out on their own, but I would be the first to actually own my own home. That’s an accomplishment she’ll be proud of, but until then my mother will project her feelings of betrayal and abandonment. I understand, but I’m still going to live my life. Life is progression. I’m not going to spend my mid to late 20s living with my Mom because she sees me moving out as being a selfish act. I am not swayed by parental guilt. For now, I’ll meet with a housing owner officer and browse on Zillow until I get approved. At the end of the day, I need to recognized that the only approval I need is my own. And I’m not going to let myself down.
Happy Hunting.
SYDSUGOI SPEAKS 