The older I get, the more I appreciate silence — An empty office after hours, the calm in the dead of night, the long pause between hugs — and the harder it is for me keep from breaking it. I am learning to be silent and still in a world that is brash and relentless. Lately, I have been quick to anger. I’m angry at my mom, angry at my boyfriend, angry at my boss. I’ve said things I shouldn’t. I’ve counted to 10; it doesn’t work.
When my anger builds I just want to scream and float on the vibrating echoes each note of to ease my pain. But in those moments I am not allowed to scream. I must grin and bear it. “Yes, sir.” “Yes, ma’am.” Calm down. It’s not ladylike. And yes, not every idea needs to be shouted into the ether. Not even idea needs to given life and importance. But some do and to silence my thoughts and feelings is to call forth the worst of me.
In a lot of ways, silence has meant submission. Silence has meant pain. To be silenced is to be denied autonomy over my voice. And yet, pain and submission under the right circumstance can be immensely beautiful. I’ve found solace in yoga and mediation to blend these conflicting emotions. I process my anger in the silence and use the motions of my body to release that energy. The body and mind cannot sustain pain. We release our pain in our actions, and those actions can either continue to hurt us or help in our healing.
I know my mouth has gotten me in trouble. I am blunt and will take cheap shots at the insecurities of others when provoked. There is no mercy or regret; and I don’t want to fall back on that type of behavior, especially when it is unwarranted. I no longer wish for anger to define a part of my character. I am not the angry Black woman. I am fiercely and quietly finding my peace.
I’ll leave you with a quote from one of my favorite high school teachers. Thanks Buckley.
“How many times do you review your thoughts before you speak? Once? Twice? Never? Any well thought out idea worth expounding upon is usually repeated three time inside your head before it comes out of your mouth. Three times: once to exist, once to ponder upon, and once to seek a response. Some thoughts only seek a response. Some thoughts are only said to be said. But in this class, like in life, the things you say that define you I would hope meet all three.”
SYDSUGOI SPEAKS 