My grandmother was married at 22. My mother was married at 25. I am 24 and five-twelfth years and am far from being marriage ready, but nevermind what my social media feed has to say about it.
I scroll pass engagement announcements and wedding photos and divorce videos next to birthday wishes and Buzzfeed videos. It’s nuts. Weren’t we all born a quarter of a century ago? Don’t we still subconsciously think 2007 is closer than 2027? Time is so relative but we all stick to this timeline of settling into the socially required, ideally quintessential nuclear family once we hit our twenties. Reporters smash their keyboards to pen their headlines: “Millennials Are Waiting Later and Later To Get Married.” ” Why Millennials Are Choosing To Shack Up.” ” Why Aren’t You Having All The Babies, Millennials?” The economy, low wages, unpreparedness, social awkwardness, student loan debt, cats, avocados, the lack of desire to have children, global suffering, the Trump presidency: there are a lot of reasons why people my age aren’t a damn thing but make it to the next day, including marriage. But why am I not engaged at the moment? Mostly, because no one has popped the question recently. It’s not like I don’t have my choice of suitors or the time or money; I have all of these things. What I don’t have is the mindset to even take a commitment of that magnitude as a serious course of action anywhere near my immediate future.
I want to be young, and live young. Being alive at this time and place in the world has afforded me the opportunity to explore life without the need for a husband. We saw with our parents, and especially with our grandparents, that marriage was more of a necessity to a build a success life and family than achieving a higher level of education. Life was about marriage and children and in many parts of the world it still is. Life was focused around expanding the family and assuring its survival for generations. I’m just trying to get through the work week without failing on a client project.
Is it pessimistic to say that I don’t have much faith in a lot of these relationships working out over the long haul?
Marriage is scary. We idealize a terrifying concept where couples go against the most common practice of nature (seeking out other partners and experiences) to contractually pledge the remainder of their fifty to sixty year life span to be any and everything to someone they know for an average of 4.9 years in front of friends and close relatives—a practice based on an exchange of property that symbolically diminishes the autonomy of women and promotes the ideals of patriarchy—It’s nuts. And it’s beautiful.
I do not wish to set and raise my societal value according to whether I am claimed by a man as his wife. I do not want to take away people’s joy. Commitment and monogamy can be a wonderful thing, I know, because I can be a fan and supporter of both ideas. But right now I just want to date. Right now, I just want to travel. I want to pay off the remainder of my student loans. I don’t want to come home and have thing expected of me as a wife and what that role entails. I am three years removed from college life. I have six years before I turn thirty. It feels too soon and too in my face.
As a child of divorce I am not tripping over jumping the broom.
As a child of divorce I am afraid of repeating my parents’ mistakes. I refuse to have my children to feel as alone and confused as I once did. To be clear, I experienced a very blessed and privileged upbringing, full of love and happiness; however somethings were more difficult than they needed to be. The two people whom created me were once young and in love and then, for a long time, could not stand each other. I got a firsthand look at what happens when two people have to be in constant communication with a person they would otherwise prefer to never be in close proximity to again because I was involved. I wanted them to be happy. I want everyone to be happy. The path to joy begins with one sound decision. For some it may be marrying someone at 21; for others is may not be marrying at all. And I will eventually face this crossroads: I will either get married or I won’t.
I hate rushing into things: not with art, not with food, nor my relationships. I dive in head first only when I am absolutely sure about what I am getting myself into. I need to know that, despite everything—good, bad, indifferent—this choice is right and that everything is going to be okay. That I can live with my decisions and move forward because of it: this is how I function with the uptmost clarity and peace of mind. And so when the man I choose chooses me to be his ride or die foreeevaahhh I know that my answer will not be said out of fear or social expectations but from love and love alone. I really hope those decision were made similarly by the people on my social feeds. Because you can get back at your ex, or move out of your parents house, get military benefits, have a baby or stunt on the ‘gram without getting married. Once you cross that threshold, and your signature’s ink dries behind you, those plans will get you married but they won’t keep you married.
SYDSUGOI SPEAKS 