If there is one universal truth it is that people derive joy from being in other people’s business. That’s why social media has thrived. You get to live vicariously through someone and judge them or make fun of them or get to the root of who they are. And that’s why the Profoundly app on Facebook completely captivated me this past month.
A friend and I were having a conversation recently where he explained why he absolutely detests “those fake ass Ask.fm questionnaire games” that come about once a year. Usually in the spring and winter months, around the time when kids are out of school and more online, a digital clone of two truth and a lie will pop up still wet from its brand new coat of paint. The hook comes from its perceived anonymity. I, particularly, enjoy these games because of this online inconspicuousness. I am not, nor have I ever been, a troll but I understand the allure of the lifestyle. The internet is still fair-game in a world where actions have direct consequences. I wouldn’t get the same answer from an Instagram story question than I would if I was a random egg on Twitter. Unless you’re an oddly open and honest person, it’s difficult to give truly honest answers without fear of embarrassment or judgement by your peers. Human nature incentivizes us not to. The shroud of anonymity leads to bolder questions which result in more curious answers.
Knowing myself, and how I like to be messy and prod into other people’s business from time to time, I had a great time with Profoundly. I asked any and everybody questions. It was fun at first; I got to learn a lot more about my friends and some strangers. But the fun quickly turned a bit sour. Everyone wanted to be asked questions but no one wanted to do the asking, and the questions that were being asked started to hurt people. The line between general interest and direct trolling blurred. It revealed a lot of insecurities. Friends (who I wouldn’t expect being be so apprehensive) were in disbelief that someone would actually care for them. “Was this some random girl that had a crush on me trying to shoot their shot or is someone I know trying to make of fool of me?”
I felt compelled to keep the dialogue alive, at least the positive dialogue. I found a webpage with 200+ to Ask Someone on a First Date (for men and women) and just went down the list until I found a thought-provoking one. And I got lucky. The questions I received were all positive, those and general statements about how I’ve been perceived by others. People had love or admiration for me. I wish I knew who’d said those things. I wanted to thank them or at least buy ’em a drink or two.
“I had mad love for you and still do. Glad to see you’re happy. Keep glowing and stay beautiful.”
“I’m really grateful that my introvert ass met you my Freshman Year. I never spoke much but I appreciated watching Legend of Korra with you.”
I was asked about anime and on things that I cherish and love about people. Someone asked how did going freelance impromptu changed my life. I don’t have many close friends but of the one I do have I can only see two asking me something like this IRL. It felt good to ponder and put these thoughts out there else they would otherwise not be given a second thought.
Someone called me a ‘major inspiration’ and the first word that came to mind was ‘why’. It was quite the surprise since deep down I feel unwanted by the design world. I’ve put myself out there a lot and I got a few small wins which have sustained me the last few months. I constantly feel as though I have to live up to my family’s expectations as well as my own, and now these other opinions are coming into fray. At least someone not tied to me believes in me.
Profoundly really lived up to its name. I was given a thorough look into how others regard me and how that differs than I how I personally see myself. We always look more polished from the outside looking in. Some time I feel so lucky and talented. Some times I feel like a failure. All we can do is our best and, I guess, I’m doing pretty okay.
It made me look back on my entire social media presence, especially Instagram. I took a step back and looked at the facade I’m portraying; it’s completely different than my everyday life. My home office consists of a white bed, a white desk, tan walls and a computer— far on the opposite side of the spectrum from my high saturated color-filled life online. Sydsugoi is on the go, traveling, surrounded by art at some new exhibit. That’s only part of my life. Sydsugoi is my life while awesome (which if you know what ‘sugoi’ means will still be an Aha moment for you). What’s not awe-inducing is constantly looking for new gigs and the self loathing that comes after knowing your follow up email will get ignored. I forget that I just eating tacos in San Diego three weeks ago because I’m hungry today. Days feel like weeks when you engage in all twenty-four hours. What I’ve gathered is that my public perception directly contradicts my deep insecurities. It’s nice to know that some part of who I am is translated well to others.
Now, I’m trying to integrate these two worlds. I write longer captions about how I’m feeling, what I am reflecting on, what gives me encouragement, and why I’m in the place and mental space that I am. I want to carry on this dialogue. I want to be honest. I like revealing smalls truths about the essence of who I am and who I’m becoming. People relate to people whom they feel they can trust. Authenticity is attractive even when you may disagree someone. It feels as though that connection is now being experienced through either irony and self loathing via existential memes or high quality vacation porn. It shouldn’t be an either or. Include the individual, everyday tidbits and small personal truths in between the glamour, like what I received through Profoundly. I like being honest with people. My tone and delivery are a bit more blunt than folks are use to but I do like being honest with people. And it is becoming increasingly apparent that it’s exactly what we need a lot more of nowadays.
SYDSUGOI SPEAKS 