I’m just going to acknowledge this moment, because I don’t get too many moments like this for me to cheer for myself. It took me a long time to believe in myself, and an even longer time to know that I could do this. I’ve just been afraid.
Over the last three months, I’ve listened to a lot of motivational speakers. Their words sound nice, but without action it’s all just nice words. It seems as if God had set me up to be in the position I am now, especially when I look back to this time last year. I spent all of 2018 in disarray: hating my job, hating myself, and unsure on whether I even wanted to be a designer anymore. That last part was hard; I wanted to be a designer since I was eleven years old. To have such joy ripped out from me, for little to no gain, crushed my creative drive. I find that I’ll stay in a bad situation until I get pushed out of it. And that came slowly. I started to take more job opportunities. I started applying elsewhere. Nevertheless I still was safe at my job. That was until I discovered that I was destined to be furloughed in 30 days.
I had no backup plan. I had no client base. Nothing. So I ran across the country to reflect on this thought: “What are you going to do now?” I had no clue. I tried reading books on business, built up my portfolio, sold some photography online: nothing was panning out. Then, in the middle of a semi-frequent emotional breakdown, I stuck my heels in and decided that I’m going to make this work, no matter what. There is no Plan B. This is it. I’m going to apply to every opportunity I get. I going to converse with everyone who reaches out to me. I’m going to reach out to others, and market myself like, “Hey, this is what I do. You could use me, and it will be the best decision you could ever make.” The first step was to actually get off my ass and do it.
For a long while, I was very selective. I felt as though I had the option to be picky. “No I don’t want to this project. I don’t like to that type of work. I don’t like powerpoints or email banners. I’d rather not work with tech companies.” I took money out of my own pocket. I took away several possibilities to garner experience and become a better designer. I needed to become better. I needed connections. I had to change that mentality and, once I did so, I started to take more chances. It’s funny how I took more chances at 21 than I do 25. I was broke then; a little more foolish and free-living. I’ve gotten more comfortable and complacent. Maybe my mother’s words of caution sunk into me a little more. There were many points in my life where I would drive head first into opportunities just so that I could experience them. Now, I’m scared of everything.
I’d plan and then push back. Now it seems as though I wont do anything significant unless I drive it head first. Act first; consequences, later. Those, usually, are the best experiences I have. Yet the practical side of me reminds me to save money and plan for something even better. That’s not necessarily true. I won’t know until I try. So I try.
I never ask God for something I want, not anymore. I ask Him that if something out there is what He wants from me, to let me know that this door has been opened so I can walk through. Today feels like a day where I’m going to walk through multiple doors. It’s been a long time coming. I’m going to go off to have two separate client meetings, back to back, with people that sort me out. They want to work with me until terms that I’ve determined which they’ve agreed to. THAT’S WILD. After trying twice before (and having all my work rejected) I’ve gotten several photos approved for Adobe Stock that I will make passive income from it. THAT’S WILD.
I’m unsure as to whether this string of answered prayers will last, but I hope it does. Right now, I need to confront my deepest insecurities— the one that tells me I’m a failure, that I will never be good enough— and tell it to shut up. You don’t win. Because I can do. And I have done it.
SYDSUGOI SPEAKS 